The Sneaky Thing that’s Keeping you from Being Happy

I’d like to do a little experiment with you.

How many times a day do you think you have negative self-thoughts?

Conversely, how many times in a day do you feel proud, receive a compliment without brushing it off, or celebrate something you did or experienced with a friend or loved one?

When you fall asleep at night or wake up and can’t go back to sleep, do you lay there and think about the cool shit you did that day? Or do you run through a litany of what you did wrong or could’ve done better? Or worse, beat yourself up stressing out about things outside your control?

I’m not saying we shouldn’t have standards or expectations or boundaries. But if your relationship to yourself (and trust me, you have one) comes from a place that is judgmental, how will you ever feel whole, fulfilled or happy?

If your thoughts about yourself are “do better, try harder,” even when you accomplish something, it’s tinged with a “not good enough” feeling.

And then, if you do make a mistake or there is a setback that is like kindling to a wildfire!!! The internal self-flagellation turns up to full blast. The shame spiral starts and you’re incapacitated. Or you bury it so deep that you think it “goes away” (hint, it doesn’t, the body always keeps the score).

We are all human. We make mistakes. We miss things. We mess things up. We don’t follow through sometimes. We hurt people we love. We self-sabotage. Everyone does this.

We all have shame and suffering. And I don’t even mean big, dramatic life situations, just simple things… the words that were too sharp, the birthday you forgot, the extra slice or two of pizza. The time you lost your temper and through a shoe at your toddler…😳 (he still reminds me about it and he’s 14, at least we laugh about it now)!

Self-Criticism Feeds the Shame Spiral

What will you do when a shame spiral happens? Will you ignore your shame for it to be repeated? Will you keep feeding it by beating yourself up?

I have a saying – are you going to allow facts or situations in your life to be ammunition or are you going to weaponize them?

The scale is a great example. Most people don’t want to weigh themselves because they use that number not as motivation (ammunition), but as a weapon. The amount of self-attack around this topic could probably fill the entire Pacific ocean. Maybe the galaxy!!! #amiright?

Here’s a secret, well two secrets:

1. It’s possible to live without self-attack being a part of your thoughts.
2. You have a choice on how you want to see the “data” of your life.

Here are a few examples of self-attack:

• Negative self-talk
• Perfectionism
• Comparing yourself to others
• Believing you can’t do anything right
• Not feeling worthy of happiness, love, success or abundance
• Ridiculing or belittling your own emotions

These show up in very sneaky ways. It’s not always dramatic ugliness. It’s sarcasm, self-deprecation, it’s never celebrating your wins, it’s afraid of being proud and believing you should be further along. It’s seeing someone else’s success and feeling less than (aka triggered).

It’s not just words. It shows up as behavioral sabotage. It doesn’t let you find ease in your life.

The thing about allowing self-attack is that it makes life an endless battle. It puts you in a position where you’re constantly having to push through.

You are always going to have to put in effort to get what you what you want. That is NOT the same thing as being in battle or having to fight for it.

If you are struggling with something, take some time to see how much self-criticism there is related to that subject. If you’re constantly having to fight your way through, I guarantee there is some shame under there that is fed by self-attack.

What To Do

The first step, the next best thing, is not to face a big emotional mountain – it is to examine your thoughts and notice if they are icky, unkind or shaming. This is called bringing awareness. We can’t adjust what we don’t pay attention to. And interestingly, shifts can happen just by noticing.

The second step – don’t allow negative thoughts. It is that simple. Don’t allow them.

When it happens, you can do a few things:

• Acknowledge it – “Interesting, that’s kind of negative.”
• Laugh at it – “Ha, now that was a good one!”
• Name it – I had a coach who calls it asshole brain. I call it the Villain’s Voice (and even personify it as the shadow man Dr. Falcier from Disney Movie Princess and the Pea)
• Ask – would I say that to a friend? or how is that useful for me?

Take a big deep breath, but you don’t need to analyze it or say something positive. See the self-attack as a mis-aligned response… The goal isn’t to get better at reframing the thoughts, it’s to eliminate this as a way of being. What if you simply said, “Yes that hurts and I love you. ” Yeah, you can say that to yourself.

Try one day without self-attack and see what it’s like. Please try it!!!! It would be one step toward my dream of banning it forever!!! 😍

Weapon? Or Ammunition?

Now, for #2 – you have a choice on how you want to see the “data” of your life.

Shitty stuff is going to happen. That is life. I know I’ve made decisions that weren’t so great, big and small. We are human. Our lives aren’t a perfectly curated Instagram feeds. When something happens or you’ve decided you’re unhappy (that number on the scale for example):

will you weaponize it for more self-attack?

or use it for ammunition?

will you settle?

or will you put in the effort?

Shame is a magic killer. If you can stop feeding it, you will have so much more energy for living the life you want.

Sending you my love and my deepest wishes for healing and strength in every day living. This seems like a topic meant for “big” things, but this is really about the stuff of life… how we move through the world each day and how we interact with ourselves.

Because the more grounded you are in self-acceptance, the easier it is to cope with the big things and the easier it is to follow through on yourself. You can’t thrive in an environment of attack.

Tell me how your experiment goes! I want to know. 💖

May you let go of judging. May you leave behind self-attack. May you move toward effort, ease, and self-compassion. Many hugs!

Interested in trying meditation as a tool for getting rid of self attack? I teach on the first Tuesday of every month at The Chakra Healing Room. Next class is on Tuesday, April 1. It’s a great class for people who have never meditated before or find it difficult.